Xenogyst (xiin) wrote,
Xenogyst
xiin

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Writing can suck it.

I write in here today because I have little better going on. That's not to say that I am lacking things to be doing, of course.
Well, today I bought some food and bought some happy bread, which I have to usually go out of my way to find.
I just need to finish two papers and do some studying. That's all I really need to do this week (well, besides take tests, but I don't count those as activities for some reason). I can't get myself to write anything, however. Why I struggle so much to start a damnable paper, of which I have written many, is beyond me. Well, I know why I am hesitant to write papers, but I'm not particularly sure why I am this resistant.
This goes back to my eleventh grade of high school. It was draining; I didn't really sleep and I took a lot of difficult classes. It was the point in my life that I hit an academic breaking point. It was if my motivation for school since kindergarten was completely used up by that point. I've been doing mediocre in school ever since. Actually, I almost didn't want to go to college and it took me a really long time to get my college applications done. Most of the places I applied to (I think they were all under Ivy League status) rejected my application, which didn't really motivate me any further. So, I barely slid into a college that I knew little about, and was at the bottom of my list (I applied to about 7 schools). In retrospect, I should have gone to the U of Minnesota my first year (my grades were good enough straight out of high school)... So, I get into this lame college in Bloomington, Illinois, and have a perfectly miserable time for half the school year. Well, there were a lot of things going on then, but regardless I ended up doing fairly poorly my first semester. My second semester was better, but I did particularly poorly in one class so it brought me down again.
Anyways, after a transfer (the school that accepted me was at the bottom of my list again), I just seem to be ending up in places that don't seem to fit me. I'm not sure whether I just dislike all the inane work that one gets in undergraduate, or that I'm really just not finding my niche, either way, with my continued mediocre grades it's not like I could go some place potentially "better."

What was I talking about? *reads back a bit*

Oh yes, anyway. I feel like I'm running on fumes of motivation since my burn out in high school. It's just all so unrewarding. My sister recently graduated from Hamline, and she can barely find a job that pays more than $10 an hour. I mean, putting thousands of dollars and hours into this "schooling" only to find that McDonalds will now consider your resume is a bit... tiring.

I hear people always talking about "the value of life," and "we must preserve (human) life" and "life is a miracle." Yet, when I live here it doesn't feel as though life is inherently valuable or even special. I constantly feel as though a dollar value, or a grade, or a judgment is put on me by everyone; I know I do.
I'm 20, white, attractive (?), upper class, about 155 pounds, ACT score 25, GPA about 3.0 , single, etc, etc...
That's it, that's all I am in the grand scope of our social interplay. Future schooling, jobs, and people will mostly be based off of that simple sentence. And yet I don't feel as though there is anything really valuable in that statement and more importantly, I don't care about anything in it.
People change all the time too. People keep quoting this statistic that an average person makes 7 major career changes in their lifetime. I kind of wonder why colleges force people to major, since it's likely that I just change what I'm doing anyway.

I'm out of energy for writing this; it's no longer even coherent. I'm just angry with myself, that's all. I just want to get my fucking papers done.
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